It’s a Good Thing I Don’t Drink

Uh, Judge

Due to the fact that you sent my court-appointed attorney to rehab

I'll be representin' myself

This is my openin' statement

Everybody said that Wilbert Haynes went crazy

After Thelma Lou walked out

First, he went outside and pulled up all her daisies

Then he burned that whole house down

Accordin' to the Pike County press, he just lit up a cigarette

About the time he found her goodbye note

It's a good thing I don't smoke

When Junior Fowler caught his third wife cheatin'

He went and bought a box of wine

You know, the good kind

Then he waved his way to town and got a haircut

And put on his suit and tie

Then he pulled into the Ready Mix

Had 'em fill his truck bed with cement

Drove it off in Newton's Pond and let her sink

It's a good thing I don't drink

It's a good thing I wasn't drunk

When I hitched her trailer to my truck

And took them two fornicaters for a ride

And Lord knows I hadn't had a drop

When I parked them at the church of God

Blowed the horn and drug their naked butts outside

Yeah, it caused quite the Sunday morning stank

But it could've been a whole lot worse now, don't you think?

It's a good thing I don't drink

(It's a good thing he don't drink)

Uh, I'll close with this

Now if I've been intoxicated, I deserve to be incarcerated

But, Judge, I swear I'll not do this again

I know they're both swolled-up and red

But that beehive I tossed in her bed

Was just a harmless joke between three friends

Yes, Judge, I painted his blue Dually pink

But it could've been a whole lot worse now, don't you think?

It's a good thing I don't drink

We oughta count our blessings, don't you think?

It's a good thing I don't drink

(It's a good thing he don't drink)

It's a good thing I don't drink

(It's a good thing he don't drink)

It could've been a lot worse, really, you know it could've been