Green Onions

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Railroad Bill And The Kitten

Railroad Bill and the Kitten

SOURCE: Bob Pfeffer

SOURCE'S SOURCE: Andy Breckman

Railroad Bill was a hard livin' man

He used to take his women two at a time

Everyone agreed he was the baddest engineer

That'd ever driven down the Santa Fe line

His name was known from the folks back home

To the tippy-top of telegraph hill

And all the little boys, when they were sneakin' cigarettes

They used to dream about the Railroad Bill

[SPOKEN: Stay with me here

One day Bill was walkin' along

And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree

When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder

To set that kitty-cat free

And Bill said, "No, ain't gonna do it

Ain't gonna climb up no tree

This is a stupid, stupid song and no folksinger's

Gonna make a fool outa me."

I said, one day Bill was walkin' along

And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree

When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder

To set that kitty-cat free

And Bill said, "No, ain't gonna do it

Ain't gonna do what you said

This is an asinine song. As far as I'm concerned

That cat can stay there till it's dead."

I said, wait a minute, Bill, you can't argue with me

For God's sake, I just made you up

I got the pen in my hand, I want you up in that tree

I want that cat unstuck

Bill said, "No, I hate cats

Ain't gonna climb for no cat."

He said, "Why don't you have me save some beautiful girl

Whos's been tied down on the railroad track?"

I said maybe there'll be room in the eighth or ninth verse

But right now I want you up in that tree

I'm the writer, God damn, I got the pen in my hand

And you're supposed to listen to me

He said, "You asshole. Why should I listen to you

You should be listenin' to me instead."

He said, "I'm a railroad man and if I was real

I would separate your face from your head."

You ungrateful brute, I cried, you push me too far

I gotta show you I can do as I please

So an earthquake came and it sthe whole terrain

And it brought Railroad Bill to his knees

And then a tidal wave broke and everything got soaked

And Bill was almost completely washed away

And then a big green monster from the planet Neptune

Landed and bit Railroad Bill on the leg

I got the pen in my hand. I can do what I want

I'm a bright new young talent on the rise

So get your ass up that tree or I swear you ain't

Gonna get outa my folksong alive

He said, "You don't scare me.

You might be crazy but you don't scare me

And if you don't leave me alone I'm gonna tell everybody

Where you stole this melody."

But before he could speak his tongue fell out

And he could not make a sound

Suddenly he jumped on top of me and he grabbed me by the neck

And he pulled me to the ground

And he hit me in the stomach, and he hit me in the face real hard

And I think he almost broke my nose

But just then a lightning bolt came outa nowhere, hit him right between the

[Eyes

And killed him instantly

[Heh, heh

Well the cat came down from the tree

Had a bowl of warm milk, went to sleep for the night

Railroad Bill is survived by a wife and three small children

Dear God, I love to write

Filename[ RRBILLKT

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