The Laughing Gnome

I was walking down the high street,

When I heard footsteps behind me.

And there was a little old man ([Hello!])

In scarlet and gray, chuckling away

Well he trotted back to my house

And he sat beside the telly ([Ahh!])

With his tiny hands on his tummy

Chuckling away, laughing all day

"I ought to report you to the Gnome Office."

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me,

Said the laughing gnome

Well I gave him roasted toadstools,

And a glass of dandelion wine. ([*burp* Pardon...])

Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne.

Carried his bag, and gave him a fag.

"Here, where do you come from?"

"Oh, really?"

In the morning, when I woke up,

He was sitting on the edge of my bed,

With his brother, whose name was Fred.

He'd brought him along to sing me a song.

"Alright, let's hear it... 'ere, what's that clicking noise?"

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

"Haven't you got a home to go to?"

"Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school? You look like a rolling gnome."

Now they're staying up me chimney,

And we're living on caviar and honey ([Hurray!])

Cause they're earning me lots of money

Writing comedy prose for radio shows

"It's the, errrr... it's the gnome-service, yes, of course!"

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

(Oh, dear me...)

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

([One more time!])

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me