Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs

Note: the lyrics below are copied from those

on Peggy Lee Mirrors LP 1975

and follow the spellings and layout

Ladies and gentlemen we proudly present

The headlining act of the day

An act that has played for the crowned heads

of Europe

Appearing for the first time in the U.S. of A...

Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs

Professor Hauptmann's miraculous dogs

Jugglers and acrobats dressed up like clowns

Dogs in tuxedos and swank evening gowns

Some dressed like sailors in navy blue jeans

Standing up and acting just like real

human bein's

Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs,

Professor Hauptmann's incredible dogs

One rides a pony and carries a purse

One is on roller skates dressed like a nurse

A dog in a derby is doing a dance

A mutt in red suspenders keeps on losing

his pants

Someone up there in the third mezzanine

Said "ain't that the cutest thing you've

ever seen?"

An elegant pup in a black tie stood up

At the piano and started to play

An Alsatian hound all bejeweled and begowned

Heard the music and started to bay

The first tenor howled and the baritone growled

And the audience shouted "Hooray!"

A little chihuahua got so excited

It had to be taken away

Someone up there in the third mezzanine

Said "ain't that the cutest thing you've

ever seen?"

Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs

Professor Hauptmann's spectacular dogs

Watch them do somersaults, cartwheels

and springs,

See them cavorting and jumping through rings

Breathtaking stunts that amaze and surprise

Feats of skill and daring right before your

own eyes

Seventeen schnauzers in bell bottom trousers

Come tumbling out of a bar

They stagger and stumble and fall down

and fumble

Then all tumble into a car

One starts up the motor and lo and behold

He crashes it right through the rail

A big English bulldog dressed up like a cop

Arrests 'em and takes 'em to jail

Someone up there in the third mezzanine

Said "ain't that the cutest thing you've

ever seen"

Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs

Professor Hauptmann's unparalleled dogs...

For our Grand Finale. Those marvellous mongrels

Surpassing their previous tricks

Those incomparable canines, alive and in person

And acting the spirit of '76...

One plays the fife and one beats the drum

One waves the flag while he walks and

chews gum

Marching together with boots on their feet

Shoulder to shoulder and right on the beat

Then on rush the Red Coats and U.S. Marines

They fire guns and fall down dead just like

human bein's

Someone up there in the third mezzanine

Said "ain't that the cutest thing you've ever seen?"

Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs

Professor Hauptmann's heartwarming,

Troupe of barnstorming,

Super performing dogs!