Love Letter

My dear beloved

I fear love as I fear you

Through my laughter, I can hide what bothers me

Not always

Sometimes I laugh because I laugh

I cried when you left

I cried so hard

I cried 'til no tears were left to cry

And I hated love

I felt empty and worn

Betrayed and used

I felt abandoned and useless

All felt useless and unworthy

It was then, that I closed all doors to my heart

I closed them and I laughed, but I did not really laugh

After a while, I started to feel joy again

I discovered music again and I wrote

I wrote so much

And all the while I hoped to never see you again

Because, seeing you meant to feel again your touch

I will never forget how we sat in perfect

Silence, listening to bad musicians trying to be funny

And we said nothing, and just held each other

I shall never forget that

It was then that I knew that, a part of me belonged to you forever

And I could not say what part it was

It wasn't my body, and it was more than my heart

Some would call it magic, others love

I don't know how you call it

I don't know what it was, but I could have sat there forever

And now, I'm coming back

Although it was you who left

But I'm coming

And I fear love

I fear love, because more than love, I fear rejection

I fear rejection and abandonment, and blame, guilt or addiction

To not be touched

To not be loved

That is what I fear

Yes, I fear to not be loved

In fact, to fear to not be loved

Belongs to love, because love is so delicate

It disappears if you do not care for it

Love is like snow

It falls only under certain conditions and it

Stays only for a season and then, melts away

That is what I have experienced with love

And why with you is it, that I want it to stay forever?

And then it's not winter nor spring

Is the moment when I touch your hands

And feel your nearness and your silence

And within this silence I can hear you, but not in words

I hear something else

And it can only be you, because you sound different

You sound different than the rest

And I have heard many, but you sound different

Like the palms of your hands, they felt unique in mine

As if they belonged to me

Your head on my breasts, feel like the first touch

Your lips when they rest on my skin

They feel like the only lips, I want to have on me everywhere softly

I want your gentle love

Yes, I fear brutality and violence

Within this softness, because I know it

I have known it

And now, I fear love

Maybe I have always feared

But I'm coming, my love

I'm coming

And I want to be gentle

And I want your gentle touch

Please be patient with me

I have known other than pure love

I have known other than pure love

Let us be gentle, my love

And not fear love

Let us, be us

Let us be touched by silence

When we hold each other's hands

When we hold each other's hands