A Million Ways To Die

Cowboys and pioneers

Come lend your eyes and ears

I've got the need to testify

Don't try to build your nest

Out in the open West

'Cause there's a million ways to die

Six bullets in the gut

Or just a papercut

Too many ways to quantify

They'll cut your ankle off

To cure a minor cough

'Cause there's a million ways to die

(A million ways to die)

It's a hundred and one

In the shade or the sun

If you fall asleep you fry

(A million ways to die)

You can live like a saint

But there just really ain't

No avoidin' a million ways to die

Small pox and bigger pox

And deadly tomahawks

Or God forbid, you steal a pie

They'll blast you into shards

For playin' good at cards

'Cause there's a million ways to die

Out on the desert plains

It hardly ever rains

And you can hear coyotes cry

They'll eat you up and then

They'll shit you out again

'Cause there's a million ways to die

(A million ways to die)

With a whoosh and a whack

There's a knife in your back

'Cause you got a fancy tie

(A million ways to die)

It's a kick in the pants

But you don't have a chance

Of escapin' a million ways to die

A million ways to die